I did something I rarely do yesterday — I went to a bakery. I needed a piece of pie.
“Do you have that very berry pie?” I said to the young woman behind the counter. “You know —that…pie?” I’d already looked in all the cases and hadn’t seen the gleaming, voluptuous crumb-topped specialty of the house.
“No sorry, not till Wednesday” she said.
“I need pie now,” I said. “I wrote a book.”
She pointed towards the muffins and cookies. “Those are good, too.”
“No, I need pie. I wrote a book.” She was helping another customer by then.
I hurried home and did the best I could with raspberries, some granola and organic half and half. Then I brought a hundred packages to the post office.
“What, do you have a band or something?” the nice lady behind the counter asked.
“No —I wrote a book.”
I realized it was my answer to everything.
The house is a complete mess. So? I wrote a book.
I haven’t been to the gym in a month. Yeah, well – I wrote a book.
This promoter is worried about ticket sales, and that one never answered my emails— wonderful! I wrote a book.
Our tax return is due next Tuesday? Ha, I wrote a boo- (maybe it doesn’t work in every instance…Wait, he’s still president, and I wrote a book? Yeah, definitely doesn’t always work, but those are the exceptions that prove the rule).
I’m going on tour for the next several weeks and I’ve done that so many times before but this time will be at least slightly different because…I wrote a book.
And the same frustration that plagues me sometimes with releasing music and touring will come back on me twofold now because…I wrote a book.
But if you don’t like my music—or any music for that matter—you might still like my writing, and here it is! In this book. That I wrote.
You might buy Debbie Harry’s book or Liz Phair’s instead of mine (see I just lost readers right there—“Debbie Harry has a book? Debbiiiieeee! Love her. Liz! Oh my god, she is am-azing. Amy who? Never heard of her, so how can she be any good?”) but we can all still stand face-out side by side on at least one bookstore shelf and I couldn’t have said that last year because, well Debbie’s and Liz’s weren’t out yet and mine wasn’t done yet but now it is.
I wrote a book.